It's been a while...
Somewhere in time between my desperate attempts at clinging to what this is and now I lost the desire for it altogether, I also think I may have lost whatever it was within me that felt confident in being able to express myself with words anyway.
It's taking everything in me to focus on what I may want to say with this post and feeling like it is beneficial, if not completely necessary.
I don't really know what happened to
blogger writer Taylor. I am not here to say she is coming back.
I just thought i'd interrupt the silence of my virtual existence to share some things about the ways in which my life has changed over all and to officially say that I am content in it.
In January a woman held my palm in hers and told me that this year was going to be about change. Of course I had an idea of what that might entail... I was there for a reason, but I didn't have the capacity or the foresight into just how much and what that moment would mean to the rest of them.
In the season that followed I was simultaneously crushed by the weight of a repetitive cycle that seemed to go against the very idea of change and yanked up by my heartstrings each time I felt like it had finally ended.
It ultimately led me to question what I was doing for myself. (I still do.)
And then came a season in which I nurtured a plan so much bigger than felt possible at the time; a plan to run away, a plan to see a part of the world I had never seen, a plan to force myself to fall out of love and to come home ready and okay to be alone and do for myself.
I knew that moving to Spain would change my life.
The season in Spain played out so oppositely from how I intended it to, though.
My heart grew exponentially.. I felt parental love for the first time, for children not even my own. I felt a deep connection and appreciation for a culture I belonged to but had never even heard of previously. I loved wandering alone in the world and feeling able bodied and minded and healthy and strong in ways I could never feel here. I learned how to love the people I truly love the most across continents, through handwritten sentiments and hours counted down, through cherishing their pixelated faces and conversations long after I closed my laptop, and never looking at the same celestial orb in the sky at the same time. There came a moment that I can pinpoint exactly in which I believed that Dylon and I were going to make it..I had never been so sure.
I came home more in love than ever.
And now I am living in a new season, the final one in my *year of ultimate change*.
Admittedly, it felt very overwhelming at first. Reverse culture shock is real. I don't even allow myself to talk about the boys much or look at their pictures or watch all the videos I have in my phone. It's been easier for me this way.
Since I've been home:
I chopped all of my hair off. My brother told me the most important thing he's ever told me. I spent time very slowly easing into everything.. I wasn't ready to get a job right away and I could be picky about it because I had (have) complete support. At the same time, I was also very uncomfortable with being dependent on anyone, and Dylon no less.. I wasn't ready to move in yet without probable cause but I spent most of my days and nights in his house figuring out what to do with myself.
I still don't really know.
I live with him (and Nick, Zach, and Justin) in Clovis now. My job at Barnes & Noble sealed the deal.
One night Dylon asked me what I was working towards and I couldn't even answer him.. because i'm not. I'm sure that is a turn off, it's a turn off even for me.
That thing I wrote about before.. lack of ambition.. I still feel that way. I feel content doing this for now. I have a new job that I really love-- which is a little embarrassing because it's just a minimum wage mediocre job.. but I feel really good there. I feel really good at home too doing domestic things that everyone else presumably does or needs to do. I take pride in the home that's provided for me and I genuinely enjoy being able to feed all of us homemade meals and desserts most nights. I've always been that person who takes care of people. I feel a little ashamed in being okay with just this to be honest.. I'm sure if I were married or a mother it would be more acceptable, expected maybe. I have been considering what to do for myself until then. I might be in the middle of something I know nothing about yet. I know that belittling myself and my happiness with this simple existence isn't a part of what I should be doing...
But anyway.. I think I did what I came here to do which was to share all the changes I've endured so far and how I ended up happy.
I'd do it all over again.
I'd do it all over again.
not the end.