What has been and what will be

I actually wrote a decent post a few days ago only to delete it just now.

I don't feel like sharing it anymore...

I don't feel like being deep or insightful or vulnerable or sharing feelings about feelings.

But I do feel like posting something else, some nonsense instead. Filler. I apologize ahead of time.

Isn't all this blog really is is just one big recap anyway?

I've been in bed for a solid 24 hours. My body is achy and I'm bored out of my mind to be honest which doesn't happen very often. 

I don't like being forced to slow down and live with myself but there's nothing much I can do about it right now except this. Things are gonna pick up and get fun again throughout the rest of this (already illusive) month pretty soon so I might as well get better and prepare for it all.

Here's what has been:

• A friend of mine from work momentarily had a crisis in which her wedding was called off and we were called to Panda late at night to support her. It's back on, and I'm the only skeptic.. 
• My tattoo healed.
•  I went to watch Hanford High's production of Hairspray with Tommy's daughter Katie. It was incredible! I was so impressed and enthralled and happy to have seen it. I really wish Dylan and Jayce could have seen it, they would have loved it too. 
• Tina came home from San Diego with her girlfriend. Saturday I met them all at a school carnival before we headed to their new house in Visalia to help out with cleaning. Jayce needed me for more than cleaning obviously. After we spent the day washing walls and climbing trees we stayed the night at a hotel nearby with them and got to go swimming in the indoor pool. Stuff like that still excites me, so what? I got out right after jumping in and only spent a few minutes in the jacuzzi water before getting paranoid about my tattoo fading but it was still a good night.
• Esseance informed me that she is home and was supposed to come over for buffalo chicken macaroni and cheese, pie, sidewalk chalk drawing, and a movie. All of that happened without her and our reunion has been postponed. When I see her she wants to hear the story of Dylon and I... I haven't told it in a while.
• The other night after work Mahalia and I went to Applebee's for dessert and ended up being immersed in some half ass Cinco De Mayo party. It was awkward and she made it more awkward by telling me that I was out of my element and "Do something! Dance! Here's a move!" I can tell the wedding in which I attend as a 5th wheel is going to be fun that way.
• MY PASSPORT CAME EARLY! It took me by surprise but I also kinda expected it if that makes sense. I got a fortune that said important news was coming by mail or something and I just hoped anyway that it would be it and it was. The minute I got it I tried to get an appointment to obtain my Visa only to find out that the availability isn't even open till July... Rearrangements have been made to avoid the Visa so I won't be leaving till the second to last weekend of June and coming back the second to last weekend of September. This means that once I talk to the family via phone or Skype this weekend I can finally purchase my ticket! I'm stoked that it's all happening so fast now.
• I was supposed to go with Megan to get her hair done today but I felt like absolute shit. I feel like I haven't seen her in weeks upon weeks. I slept a good 50% of today, the other 50% was spent eating, showering, and watching movies. Tomorrow's agenda looks about the same.

Here's what's to come (event wise):

• Friday Dylan and I are going to see The Great Gatsby! Hoping for greatness...
• Next week I'm taking the train to Ventura to visit Jessica and Scott's new apartment for her birthday. She came around... I'm glad to get away.
• Adrian will be home when I get back from Ventura!
• The week after that I have 2 appointments. One for my eyes finally and one for birth control and such. Gotta get all that over with before I leave. Once that's all said and done I can order glasses and new contacts at last! 
• Jayce is participating in History Day the 21st which is going to be fun I presume, and trying out for cheer leading 2 days later, I'm super excited for her.
• The 24th is Jenize's wedding. It was supposed to be when I was gone already in the Summer but they upped it to now. I'm half excited but half dreading it because I'm going dateless and also because I am weary of this marriage.. Hopefully it turns out to be fun though because I have been wanting to go to a wedding and now I have the opportunity.
• The last 2 days of May will be spent with my brothers (and HOPEFULLY Megan) at my favorite place, Disneyland for the last time until who even knows when! The year of Disney is finally coming to a close.

And then the 3 week countdown will begin until I am gone for good, sorta. And in those 3 weeks Megan wants to go to Potwisha together and back to her grandparent's at the coast, I will be attending 2 graduations, and then saying my goodbyes. So basically you see my life is gonna be full all the time which I need it to be up until I land safely where fate has led me, all my baggage will be in tow and memories tucked into my heart for safekeeping.

Truth be told Spain is going to fix everything including this blog, I'm counting on it at least.

Anyway, back to watching movies and allowing Benadryl to kick in now!

April

You were a backstabbing friend, April. I really liked you...

You were carefree and I reveled in that. You preyed on my girlish naivety and made me incredibly insecure.

Despite that... I have much to show for.

I gained a family in Spain who is waiting for me now, I ran a 5k, I spent every second I could enjoying my loved ones, I got a tattoo, I had fun a lot and I didn't let you myself ruin anything...

Til' the end at least.

It's 4 days into May now. I had a tremendously horrible start thanks to the end of April. I somehow came to conclusions about myself that I couldn't bear, but Megan did the best job she could in turning me around.
I need her every month, every day. She is the best friend.
Yesterday was a really good day. And I think once I post this and get on with it, today might be too.
Tomorrow is fair game really, as I have a stupid good memory and I am acutely aware that tomorrow one year ago was the day I was introduced to the red light... that's all I should really recount here. I may be celebrating tomorrow with a long lost friend and it could be just what I need to keep my mind off of everything for the time being.
I'm counting on the rest of May's days to be OK at least and I don't think that's too much to ask of my last full month home.
Proceed with caution..

1.Play 2.Blue 3.Something beginning with "A" 4.This happened today 5.Something good 6.Air 7.Dreamy 8.On your plate 9.Tiny 10.A place 11.Detail 12.In the middle 13.View from your bed 14.Water 15.Alone 16.Your favorite color 17.Busy 18.Hello! 19.Button 20.On your mind 21.Fire 22.Blurry 23.Time 24.I saw this person today 25.Life is... 26.Childhood 27.Earth 28.My Sunday 29.I wore this today 30.Glasses

Checking in

I would apologize for letting this happen again here but nobody cares but me. Those who might care too spend time with me in real life and I think they prefer that to my blogging anyhow. I'm trying not to waste too many moments while I am home with them.. Until now I haven't had a moment alone really.

(I didn't even make it through writing the whole post alone)

I'm definitely not complaining.

So here's what's been happening to me and to us in the fleeting last moments of April.

I got a tattoo:  

I never thought I wanted one until I did. 

I had decided during one of the days when Dylon and I weren't talking (our instability is embarrassing but needs to be recognized) that I wanted to get a tattoo before I left for Spain and once I found what I wanted online I became set on it. When we began again I sent him the picture I had fallen in love with, he drew a few versions of his own until I loved his and then we set up a day for it to happen. That day was April 25th. 

I don't recall much until the moment he put my stencil on and stood me in front of the mirror and I asked him to turn the little lights above off.. he and Jessica and his boss J were surrounding me and I was incredibly hot. And then shit got real apparently and I got really nauseous. I kinda freaked out unintentionally.. I wasn't even thinking about it.

After I was relatively collected I told him I was ready and with one drag of the needle I had a tattoo.
It hurt a lot of course but I was more bothered by the feeling of nausea that had remained. Luckily fellow tattooer Cat saved me with a paper towel doused in peppermint oil, some jolly ranchers, and water.

I "sat like a champ" for the remainder and it was well worth all the pain it caused me, of course. 

I can't even imagine my leg without it now and I know this is going to sound ridiculous and really dumb but I almost felt like a woman the day after I got tattooed... I also had lipstick on, that usually does the trick.

I made some cakes:

Aside from a boxed muffin mix one morning, I haven't baked a single thing this month... Still haven't actually. But I helped create two cakes for my hairstylist's daughter's first birthday in exchange for her doing my hair again. We had so much fun and by the end of the night we were both covered in powdered sugar and pride. I am so happy that we will be celebrating one of the boy's birthdays while I am in Spain so that I can help make him a special little something to remember me by.

I went to Potwisha:

Months ago my coworkers chose a day and requested it off for the four three of us to go somewhere together and when the day finally came our plans and circumstances had changed several times and I ended up showing them one of my most treasured places. I've taken this trip so many times... stop at Reimer's for ice cream, hike down a little to Potwisha, jump off the rock into the freezing water... but I will never tire of experiencing it with different people and watching them all fall in love with where I've brought them.

(Things are about to get pretty negative.) 

Jessica moved to Ventura:

She didn't say goodbye to her best friend.

The inevitable:

Dylon and I called it off again. Predictable... I've already grown out of the shame though.

I am just thankful he didn't wait to blame it on Spain because I couldn't afford to be upset there when I have 3 little livelihoods to put first every day and all of my support will be roughly 5000 miles away...

I don't want to say I wish we had never met, I just wish we wouldn't have met yet. Fate is kind of a tool.

I really should have committed the good stuff to their own posts but it's too late now and I haven't the motivation or time for such.

Anyway,  here's where I'm at now.

Playtime in a time capsule

April has been wild. A consistent blur of moments worthwhile and wonderful.

I won't be able to come up with more than a handful of things to put in this time capsule but it's worth a try because I want to remember that April was good to me.

I think I've been doing the best I ever have at making the most of my days this month, although I don't mean productively... Otherwise this blog here wouldn't be neglected nor would my room, or my car..

It's getting a little harder to make time for everything and everyone and to prioritize on my extremely tight budget but I'm already more relaxed and haven't felt like my anxiety was creeping back at all, even on my worst days this month I knew that Spain was going to save me eventually.

And I imagine my time capsules while I am there will be my favorites even though they'll be missing those dearest to my heart.

At least we had April, and April was about...

 Connecting with my Spanish family: I emailed the Eguirauns on April 5th and from their first response I felt that I had found the perfect family for me. We spent a week emailing back and fourth and after an hour and a half Skype conversation we made it official on the 12th. I will always remember what it felt like sitting on my ottoman alone in my room waiting to see their faces on my computer screen. I was terribly nervous but fate cares not about such feelings and it went seamlessly, like I was already there with them. The boys were a little shy at first but showed me all of their favorite things and read excerpts from their books and gave the sweetest goodbyes. I feel lucky already to get to be apart of their lives.

Planning for Spain: Preparing to live abroad is a lot of work. So much of my time has been spent researching and researching and applying and budgeting and researching and now there will be waiting. I applied for my passport, in 4-6 weeks when I get it I can apply for my Visa in San Francisco, and finally I can buy my ticket then. Technically I could buy it now but I don't want to chance it delaying the Visa process so it's a sit and wait kinda game. In the meantime I have compiled a list of necessary stuff I'll need to obtain and take with me and I still have a lot to tackle what with cancelling one of my bank accounts, my direct deposit, adjusting my cell phone contract, getting new contacts and glasses etc;

Scheduling the remainder of my time home: And to go along with all this, I have loosely scheduled and planned the next 8 weeks in California. I have several trips to take, some graduations, some photo sessions, necessary quality time to spend, and also days of working (in order to financially support myself and my endeavors until Spain)... It's a lot. I'm trying to spend every second wisely.

Tyler Knott Gregson: I had a few days there in which I was distraught and my heart hated me and then I found Tyler Knott Gregson's words on Instagram, my God they're beautiful. He's loved like I've loved.

Playing: Since I live in a perpetual childhood and am surrounded by children, I play more often than other adults do. The weather has been beautiful and I have had many a good day playing outside. Inside treehouses, on trampolines, at the bottom of empty pools, in parks flying kites.. I have so much fun.

Events: This month is actually kinda half me participating in events and not being able to attend them because of work. On the 7th Megan and I ran our first 5k, the Color Me Rad race in Fresno. I had no idea my body could handle that so naturally and so well! And it was so much fun, I can't wait to do it again with everyone who decided they wanted to be a part of it when it was too late. (I'm talking to you Jen, Jayce, Dylan, everyone!) On the 16th I went for a day without shoes just as I had last year. I walked to Tommy and Susan's where I nanny barefoot, and to pick Gabe up from school, to take my passport photo in Walgreens, and to make my passport appointment at the Post Office. Unfortunately for whatever reason Visalia didn't host an actual event to attend so I ended up putting sandals on at night to shop with Megan and eat dinner. (She would have yelled at me otherwise.) Yesterday I had to miss out on Savannah's little performance at her preschool, and today I had to miss out on another birthday party, as I will on the 27th... But I am working on balancing out, as I have mentioned before. Win some, lose some.

Catching up on TV shows: During rare moments when I am alone I sometimes catch up on TV shows. This could be seen as a waste of time but I'm invested in them to an extent and I have to keep up with Dylan! They'll all be over soon anyway and then I'll spend my nights wrestling with insomnia in the dark because let's face it, reading and blogging require so much more effort than watching television or trying to sleep.

Coffee: Normally I am not a coffee person. I'm not opposed to it by any means but I don't wake up wanting it. This month was different however, so many of my mornings have began with a k cup... I do realize its effect on my energy though... On days when I drank coffee I had an insane amount of things to do and they got done but I was left wanting a nap desperately before evening hit. I'm glad. I don't want to be addicted to anything, not even caffeine.

 Supporting: My brother's father has been in the hospital for a while now and I have been trying my best to stay updated and available at the drop of a hat in case he needs me... Once he transfers to Stanford I plan on making it possible for me to go with him there if he still wants me to. My sister is going through something unfortunate as well and although there isn't a thing in the world I can do to change her circumstances or mend her heart I am here. I have arms for her to cry into and ears to listen without judgement and hopes that are higher than her own for herself and for Kaylee. If only that were enough.

There's little more than a week left to April and I think it will follow suit.

Worthwhile and wild and wonderful.

The biggest deal

It's been announced on Instagram, as well as Facebook. This is the last frontier...

 I am moving to Spain in June!

I am moving back to California in September, however.

If anyone would have suggested to me on the first day of 2013 that I would be traveling abroad alone and for a period of 3 months this year I would have simply laughed and said "I wish". 
Someone did suggest it to me in the middle of January actually...

My psychic mentioned traveling over water and I shrugged it off as an impossibility, 

 I was more concerned about my love life truthfully.

But its happening. It's really really happening.

Its completely exhilarating and I know my life is going to feel like a movie again soon all of the time. 

And I am not scared at all, I have no reservations.. 

This may occur later when it gets closer, or when I get there and homesickness sets in, or when I am missing something important at home but at this point the only thing I am afraid of is coming back.

I am going to be an au pair in Bilbao and my life is going to change yet again.

I can't wait.

Thank you fate, you sly devil.

Santa Monica surprise

Yesterday I was off of work and alone until about 3 o'clock and I hadn't anticipated what that would do to me...
Today I am off of work and might even be alone all day so I have to figure out ways to occupy my mind and keep me from breaking down again. I'll begin here.
Emotional type words that I keep feeling in my heart and hearing in my head feel depreciated when I try to string them together in the form of unsent text messages and draft blog posts. I think that's an indication that I should keep them to myself so I will try that again.

Instead I offer this.
An unplanned sequel to this adventure.

Only this one will be done in Instagrams because I am lazy and we didn't take many on the real camera...
What else is new?

This trip began just as that one did.

A text from Jayce, a response from me asking her where she would like to go with me, she didn't know.

And I knew.

And before we both knew it we were on our way South for sunshine and saltwater and boardwalk thrills just the two of us... berry toppers in hand, windows down, singing songs.

But we did not arrive to sunshine's splendor. It abandoned us just a few miles away from the exit to Santa Monica and instead we were greeted with bustling coastal breezes and overcast skies making a joke of my ill planned attire and our plans of spending the entire day beneath the waves. 

Instead we began at California Pizza Kitchen because at this point we were both starving and wanted to be indoors as well. Afterwards we walked down the promenade and had gelato and purchased pants to cover our bodies. We then decided it would be a good idea to change inside my car within the parking garage so we hastly covered 3 of the windows with towels we had brought and changed out of our bikinis and into proper underwear and pants. On the way out Jayce sort of found herself in an over dramatized altercation with some crazy drivers. What happened is that they sped through the parking garage and she yelled at them to slow down, they heard/saw her and pretended to reverse so as to intimidate her but ended up leaving...

 
We made our way down to the beach despite our broken dreams, it was what we were there for after all.
And wouldn't you know it the water rushed to greet our bare feet and it was the warmest I think I'd ever felt the Pacific! We both threw fits and cursed everything we could as the waves made a mockery of us with each foamy arrival. I wanted desperately to walk all the way back to the parking garage to take back the mistake of changing out of my beachwear but Jayce was being a sissy that day and said it was too far. We allowed the pleasure of it to reach only our calves as we walked along the length of the beach from one side of the pier to the other in search of a mysterious aquarium we never found. What we found instead were swingsets and rings and ropes to which we thouroughly enjoyed until Jayce swore up and down that the people from the parking garage were coming after her on the beach.

 It was slowly approaching inevitable darkness and we wanted to wait for that to ride a few rides so we went back to the promenade to see what else we could find there. I remember it being quite magical the last time I was in Santa Monica because of the twinkling trees and street musicians and it remained to be true. We explored the third story of the shopping center at the end, called The Market. I wish we had something like that here so that I could go there often.. Anyhow, there was a bakery, chocolate shop, coffee shop, cheese shop, a cooking class, and a kiosk selling natural skincare and such. Everything was locally sourced and organic and expensive and all that, but it had a certain atmosphere to it that we enjoyed while drinking our hot chocolate in attempt to warm up. We had fun dipping in and out of the little and big shops, watching tiny drummers drum to gangnam style, and an eclectic cult like group prance through the promenade playing music.
And then it was time to have some real fun.

Seeing as how Santa Monica is outrageously expensive we decided upon riding only 2 rides, one being the ferris wheel. This was before Jayce told me she didn't like ferris wheels... The other ride we chose wisely I'd say, as we were between the roller coaster there and the swinging dragon thing, we chose the dragon and it was so much fun! There is a similar ride in Santa Cruz, a pirate ship version which we too have rode together but both agreed this one was way more fun. We wanted to do the trapeze class they have available on the pier but it was $35 each and so no... Maybe one day.
We ended the night atop the ferris wheel, perched between the contrasting city lights and the endless darkness of the ocean and another adventure had been had by the two of us.
That could never be taken away.

Three years strong

Three years strong of this pose taken Easter Sunday.

I hope we do this for the rest of our years because it can only get more precious when we become elderly versions of ourselves, younger generations we created crowded around us giggling in pastels...

Last night I went through my blog a year back.

 I didn't read much I mostly just wanted to rewind my life in pictures and see how it all looks now that its no longer the present. This time last year I was basically in the same predicament I am now with Dylon, it is a relentless cycle.. except last year I was distraught and depressed and shook up 90% of the time. 

And even then we all collectively agreed that I was so strong...

And the year before (not on the blog but shown in this picture) I was on the verge of it all and had no idea.

That's when life happened, that year.

This year I am on the verge of something else too and I am exhilarated and excited for it all so much more than I am distraught and depressed about this love pattern I'm stuck in with him.

And it's not over.

I don't know how many more pictures my brother and I will take on Easter Sunday until it is.

I can't wait to share here the something that is going to change my life again.

I'm waiting so as to not jinx it despite how certain I am at this point that it's truly happening.

At least this time my life changes completely I can prepare myself a little better I think...

No matter what I will be okay.